Blending Families

We are happy.  We are marrying the person with don't want to live without.  We are in love.  We are also blinded slightly by this said love!  You see, we have 3 teenage children, ages 15, 13, and 12, and 1 little, age 5.  We love them.  We love each other.  They all love each other...don't they?  Wait!!!!...They barely know each other and the new 'step' parent....this is all going to work out right...the 'happily ever after' we wanted??  Whose idea was this anyway??  I'm sure that is how many people feel.  And the thought did cross my mind!

We are not naive to the fact that we are trying to blend families with teenagers, and That.Is.Hard!  No matter how great the kids are (and ours are), it is difficult to take 2 families and make them one.  Especially in circumstances like ours...one parent lost to a horrible disease-cancer...and the other to divorce and drugs.  Our children have already been through some really difficult times.  And now, they have another challenge to handle....a blended family.

I read once that it takes 5 years to blend a family.  5 years??  That is a lifetime.  There are routines and the way they used to do it and the way you used to do it...and new roles to learn....and the hierachy of the new family....and the way discipline is handled.....and having a 2 parent household again....and traditions....and extended families....and how do you incorporate the missing parents...is anyone else feeling overwhelmed yet?  And all that comes after the marriage, but....What about where will  you live? Will they have to attend new schools?  Make new friends?  There is alot to consider when blending families.

This topic has been stressful for Rex and I to navigate through.  We have had many discussions on how we are going to handle these issues.  We had a struggle about where we were going to live.  I wanted to stay where I was and what my daughter was used to and he had promised his children that they would not have to move after their mother passed away.  It was something he felt very strongly about.  I was so conflicted with that decision.  We looked at houses in both places, but mostly closer to him.  When we found our house, I knew it was the right place for us to be.  We were under contract for another house, but that fell through when the square footage was off and they would not lower their price...so we began looking again.  When we found this house, it just felt right.  We knew this was the place we needed to be.  I'm sure it will be a blessing to all of us.  Only time will tell that!

As far as all of the other struggles for blending families, we have decided to parent together.  This may be hard in the beginning for everyone to adjust to, but we feel that we have to make decisions together and stand united so that we can be a stronger foundation for our children and so they can also see what a family unit looks like.  I'm sure there will be some struggles with this, especially when discipline is concerned, but we are going to take it day by day and then evaluate how its working for us and adjust as needed.  We have tried to incorporate a little of the old for each child both in structure and decor and then some new that pulls our new family together.

We have contact with our extended families as well as our past spouses families and we are working to build relationships with them and keep our kids as involved in those relationships as they want.  Distance is an issue, but we are working on keeping an open line of communication for all that want to be involved.  And I must say...we are so blessed.  We have some of the most caring people in our families & extended families.  We could not be happier with the support we have received.

The last thing that weighs on my mind is that if it really does take 5 years to blend a family, our children will be moved out before then.  Our oldest only has 3 years left at home before she leaves for college and is out on her own.  How I love these kids I've been blessed with to have in my family.  I hope in that short time I can develop lasting relationships and instill in them my love for each one of them.  I struggle with the fact that I will be coming into their lives during some of the most difficult times they will endure which may require some of that discipline we were just talking about.  I don't want them  to see that as punishment, but more as guidance because I care about them.  I want them to know that I love them and that I am there for them through anything they are going through.

Raising kids is hard and sometimes being a step parent is even harder!!  But we have to keep loving and keep hoping and keep trying even through those times of wanting to give up!  I have to think there will be some of those days for all of us out there!  Our 'Happily Ever After' can come though, through hard work, prayer and persistence.  I'm grateful for this new family and look forward to the new adventures together!

I am a Stepmother..and I love it!!

I am a stepmom to 3 amazing kids!  I feel blessed to be a part of their lives.  I love them all.  Lucy is a gifted piano player, an academic wiz and has a classic Audrey Hepburn style.  Cole is kind, he has a way to make everyone feel comfortable and accepted, he is athletic and respectful and gives his all in everything he does.  Cecelia...she is fun and carefree, her laugh is infectious and she is all about having fun, but she's 6...who could blame her!




I have all these great feelings about these kids and want them to be successful grown ups.  However, that doesn't change the fact that its hard to be a stepparent.  I am still not their mother.  They don't want me to be, they don't need me to be her.  They never planned for me or expected me.  Maybe they see me as an outsider trying to take her place, as someone who will take over the responsibilities of the house and taking care of the younger sibling and their father, maybe as someone to take them dress shopping or to baseball or maybe they see me as someone who can take care of their daily needs.  Trying to figure out who they need me to be is different for each child.  Its easy for Cecelia.  She is little and still needs everything a mother can give her; love, attention, and her daily needs met, just to name a few.  For the older kids, they don't need much of their daily needs met, they can handle those themselves, however they do need a mother's influence, guidance, direction and love.   


I have great respect and appreciation for their mother.  I know that she is looking down on them every day from heaven.  She loves them and is helping me do for them what she cannot do herself.  I feel blessed beyond measure to be able to raise them and love them and be there for them when she cannot be.  I can't help but think that I promised her before we came to earth that I would care for them.  I'm sure that at times my presence might remind them of her and the fact that she is no longer living, and their acceptance of me will take time.  When speaking of being a stepmom herself, Sister Kristen Oaks, second wife of  Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, said, "Have patience and allow others to have patience, too." 


This whole blending families thing is a wonderful, but sometimes a rocky road.  We are all learning about each other.  We are trying to bring all of our experiences and traditions together.  Incorporating them is sometimes difficult, but we are all working at it.  We all try to help each other.  We all love each other.  We all have patience with each other, at least most of the time!!  As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, " Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever."  I believe that we have a special angel in heaven who is helping us come together and show our love more openly to each other because she wants us all to be together forever.


Families are eternal.  We know that bringing our families together will build lasting bonds.  Heavenly Father has promised that families can be together forever through His plan.  I know that we always want to be together, so we will continue to keep the commandments, and above all, love each other.

It's Our Wedding Day

It's finally here!!  We have been planning and waiting for this day for awhile!  We have had plenty of things to do to keep us busy, but I'm so excited to marry my best friend today!!  We are being sealed in the Salt Lake Temple.  It has been my dream since I was a little girl to be married to my husband in this temple.  I have never gone into the Salt Lake Temple before today.  I wanted it to be something I shared for the first time with my husband, my eternal companion.   And it was! 

I love that I was able to promise my husband forever.  I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that promises eternal life for all of those who choose to follow His son Jesus Christ.  Today we promised each other FOREVER!  We get to start that journey now!!

I am ALL about selfies...so this day isn't complete without one!  We took a break from the normal photo barrage that happens after you are married to snap a quick pic together.  By the way...we had the BEST photographer!  Her name is Jamie Findlay...you can find her info here....she is amazing!  Check her out!

And then there was our reception!  It turned out better than I could have imagined! If you are looking for someone to transform your backyard...check out KNL!  They were so fun and easy to work with!  It was our backyard full of the people we love, who we were lucky enough to spend the day with...and of course...my obsession....WAFFLE LOVE!  They catered our wedding, food truck and all!  It was so much fun! 

 



As I reflect on this day, it was so different from my first marriage.  It was perfect right from the start.  No stress, no worries, no arguing or people not getting along...just happiness.  It was easy and everything fell into place.  This is what a marriage should be....no drama, but complete happiness and peace.  I know that this is right, no matter what other problems or differences we may have in the future.  Heavenly Father brought us together for a purpose we probably don't even understand yet, but I know that we will love each other and help each other through what comes next!!  I'm so excited to start this chapter of my life with the guy who has completed me, who loves me even when I'm not at my best, and who keeps encouraging me and giving me the strength to keep living life in incredible ways!  I love you now (and always) Goodman!  I'm so happy to share my life with you!

Engagement Pictures

After all the planning of outfits and praying that the rain would quit all day, its time to get our engagement and first family photos done!  I tried to get the input of the whole family on the color scheme.  Aqua and Navy blue were the winners!!  I think that is a bit funny though as our wedding colors are cream and coral, but I wanted to include the kids and let them have some decisions to make with this new adventure!


My cousin did our photos.  She is a photographer, JW Photograpy is the name of her business.  She took us to a place in Bluffdale.  It was the perfect location.  The weather was great and I think the pictures are amazing!  Can't wait to choose one for our announcement and another to display in our new home!!  Take a look.....

Picture Perfect!  Love this crazy family of mine!!

💗💗💗💗💗💗

Heather

Dance Tokens

Competitive dance season is in full swing around here!  For each competition 2 dancers are teamed up to bring "good luck" tokens to share with all of the girls on their teams.  This year Kaylie & I thought it would be fun to make hangers to share.  We designed them to have their studio colors, their names and a little bit of bling!!


These were really easy to make!  I just bought a box of wooden hangers from Target, some spray paint, ribbons, vinyl letters and rhinestones.  I taped off the handles with some blue painters tape and sprayed them all blue.  I let them dry for an hour and then put random sprays of black to lightly cover the blue.  I let that dry for an hour.  Then we put on the lettering for the names and finished with a nice coat of clear lacquer.  Next we added the rhinestones and tied bows around the tops.  I think they turned out great!! They are soo easy!  You can do it too!!!! 


Here's a close up view!

Good Luck Small Elite!!!!

So I'm marrying a Widower...

So its official!  I'm marring the man of my dreams.  Someone I didn't see coming.  Someone who ended up being EVERYTHING I thought I wanted and someone who is so much more than I could ever have imagined.


I didn't think remarriage or love was in the near future for me.  I have been single for about 6 years.  I was dating, but didn't think I was going to find a companion any time soon.  However, I wasn't dating the guys who were looking to be married.  I was dating the guys that were looking for a good time, no commitments and whatever was convenient for them in the moment. 


Lets see, there was the "milkman", who worked for Winder Dairy.  Our first date was to Music and the Spoken Word.  He was nice, but no real connection for me.  He would randomly text me after months of not talking to see if I wanted to go out.  Then there was Rocky Mountain...he worked for Rocky Mountain Power.  He was an outdoorsman and athletic.  He was always running or playing volleyball.  I liked to WATCH sports, but I wasn't as big on playing all different sports.  We weren't a match.  And then, there was the Nurse.  He was mean and degrading.  I did everything I could to not make him mad or to disrupt what he wanted to do.  No matter what problem arose, he was never to blame.  It was everyone else.  I dated a few other guys that were fun to hang out with and I would rearrange my schedules to hang out with them, but I would never get that in return from them.  I was just a thing of convenience.  They were attractive and fun and had LOTS of girls at their disposal.  I finally had to take a look at the kind of men I was dating.  I always dated guys that deep down I knew I would never marry.  I think I was afraid of being loved, afraid of failing at marriage again since I was so great at it the first time around, afraid of being who I knew I was but not being accepted for it.  As I started to recognize the things I did to sabotage myself, I began to change.  I began to look for guys that had traits I wanted in an eternal companion.  I started to see myself worth increase.  I began to believe I was good enough to deserve the type of man I knew I wanted to have in my life.  One who would value me as much as I did him. 


Then, one night online I saw Rex.  As I read his profile, I liked it.  He seemed honest and sincere.  I thought he was cute and had a good sense of humor.  But then there it was....He was a widower.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I didn't really think I would get serious with him.  I mean, this was one of my first attempts at actually talking to a "good" guy.  We communicated online for a little bit and then we finally met.  Ironically, he came to the same office building I worked in for work himself periodically.  We started dating.  He met my daughter and I met his kids.  Things got more serious & we decided to date exclusively.  I remember thinking that I might need to break it off with him because I wasn't sure how I felt about marrying a widower.  I also remember my mother giving me some of the best advice I have received..she told me not to let my fear take away my happiness.  I needed to give him a fair shot to see if he was truly someone I could spend my life with.  I took that to heart.  I saw the kind of man he was.  He wasn't just in this relationship for himself.  He actually cared about me and wanted to take care of me and my needs.  He was exactly what I was looking for.   And then one day...we were picking out rings, tuxes and dresses, planning a wedding and looking for houses. I can't imagine my life without this guy!!  He is kind, funny, loving, accepting, a provider, my best friend, spiritual, intelligent, handsome...and I could go on, but I think you get the picture! But if not, here is one you can look at !!

I never knew that someone could be so loving and complete me so fully.  I didn't really know what a marriage was before.  My first marriage wasn't an example of what a loving, fulfilling relationship should have been.   Heavenly Father has plan.  I am convinced more of that now than I ever have been.  Nothing happens by chance.  It is all part of His divine plan for us.  He loves us and wants to be happy.   I am so excited to start my life with this guy, and our kids, and our families.  I'm thankful for the opportunity I have been given to be married.  I feel extremely blessed to have found you, REX!  You are the perfect match for me!  I love you!!


I said YES!!

Moab for the Win

We are officially only seeing each other and we decided to take a trip with our kids to Moab.  We know it's only February and we were probably insane, but it all worked out!! 

The weather was almost perfect & not very crowded this time of year!!  We walked right into every arch and didn't have to wait for any people.  The kids got along and there wasn't any fighting.  Rex's youngest is 5 & she got tired of walking during certain parts, but we tried to help her and carry her some so we could see the things we all wanted to see.  We ended up getting a condo instead of 2 hotel rooms.  It was cheaper and more comfortable to everyone.  I would definitely recommend doing that if you have a big family.  Everyone can have their own space and enjoy the trip.  Also, cooking is ALOT cheaper than eating out for every meal.  Since we went over President's Day, entry to Arches National Park was free. However, its only $25 for a private vehicle with up to 15 passengers, so still really affordable! 


Here are some pictures of Arches!  Did I mention, its absolutely beautiful!!

This is Double Arch

This place was really cool & the kids LOVED it!  Especially Ceceila!  You hike into it and then there are sand dunes to play in and an arch...hence its name, Sand Dune Arch.  Really a fun place if you have smaller kids!!

Landscape Arch is in the distance.  The kids think they are so cool in this pic, (and lets be honest...they are!!) they got the perfect photo bomb!  But we LOVE it!  I think this is one of my favorite memories of Arches!  I love that they did this!

We also went to Dead Horse Point State Park.  This is where the "almost perfect weather" comes in!

Yeah..it snowed!  We tried to get out and walk around and see the visitor's center and the outlook points, but it was just plain too cold and wet!  So, we didn't get to see as much of it as we had hoped.  We also had plans for Canyonlands, but it was in the same proximity and was getting snow as well so we bagged that!  I will say that the snow falling around all of the red rock made a beautiful sight.  We'll have to make that trip again!


Rex's sister and her family also came out for a few days too and it was fun to get to spend some time with them and get to know them a little bit better.  We were also able to see his parents for a little while.  They were on their way to serve their mission in New Mexico.  I'm really glad that we decided to take this trip together and get to know each other better.  It was a great way to spend President's Weekend!

💗💗💗💗💗💗
Heather





Meeting the Kids

This dating thing is hard enough, but adding children in the mix is a whole other thing.  I have introduced Kaylie to one other person I have dated.  When things don't work out or if your child doesn't like the new person in your life it is difficult.  Hopefully if things don't work out, your child won't have grown too attached to the person, and if they just plain don't like your new man (or woman) it could be the end of maybe what could have been a great fit for you.  Or perhaps, it creates other tensions that make your relationship as a whole strained.  I have never been a big supporter of introducing my daughter to many of the people I have dated.  Mostly because my ex-husband did that with women he would date and there was one that my daughter was devastated about when they stopped dating.  I feel like divorce is such a life changing event for a child that introducing them to people you are just casually dating is too emotionally draining for them.  Its a messy situation any way and that seemed to make things so much worse for our situation. 


The first time I introduced her to someone was a mistake.  I knew deep down that the relationship wouldn't be long lasting, but we were spending a lot of time together and he had a small child and so I went along with it.  I shouldn't have.  Not because Kaylie was fond of him, and she wasn't affected when we ended the relationship, but because I let what seemed good in the moment take precedence over what I knew would be the long term result of the relationship.  Live and learn.  From that time forward I never introduced her to anyone...until now!!


So the nice guy....the guy interested in a real relationship....he is great!!  He is someone I could definitely have a future with.  We have been dating for a few months and we think it's time we meet the kids!!  Kaylie got to meet him first!


Rex and I had been hiking in the mountains collecting sticks to make a Christmas Tree project for my activity day girls.  It was getting later in the day and Kaylie would be coming home from school.  So when she came home, Rex was at the house & I introduced them.  She was of course shy and didn't interact much, but she wasn't closed off to meeting him.  She knew I had been dating him for awhile and she would frequently ask if she was going to get to meet him.  She thought he was nice.  She was interested in meeting his kids and learning more about them.


Once he had met my daughter we thought it would be best if both Kaylie & I came to his house to meet his children.  We planned to come over for dinner one night & just hang out and get to know each other a little bit.  I was nervous, but excited to meet the kids I had heard so much about.  They were very polite and quiet, but welcoming.  I'm sure it was equally nerve racking for them.  We had a nice time talking and finding out a little about  each other!!  His son sure does LOVE sports!!  He knew every stat for every sport..especially baseball!  And his youngest daughter wanted to play with her toys and be included in every aspect of the night!  And her curly hair....ADORABLE!!  His oldest daughter was more quiet and reserve, but sweet and friendly.  She is a talented piano player and it was fun to listen to her play.


Overall it was a successful night!  The kids seemed to get along well with each other, which is one thing I worry about.  Kaylie being an only child...I hope that she would be accepted as a sibling or at least a lifelong friend and included in every part of the family, even when we aren't around.  I know that will take some time to develop.  Its a big step for everyone!


Recently we attended a BYU basketball game...did I mention Rex is a Cougar graduate??  So we went to a basketball game together.  It was fun and the kids were funny posing for pictures.  I am really enjoying the time we spend together.  They are all great kids and I kinda like Rex too!!  I'm still optimistic on where this could go 😉